|Deviant Login||Shop||Join deviantART for FREE||Take the Tour|
Do You Trust Me? (Pt 1)She looked into his beautiful brown eyes and touched his dark chocolate hair. She could see his eyes sparkle and felt pleased to see he had smile lines by them. That was one thing she liked most in people, the "eye crinkles" as she called them. "I love you" She said as she kissed him. He kissed her back gently, passionately. He was one of the best kissers she had encountered.
They looked at each other for minutes longer. It felt like an eternity. They laid down on the bed, cuddled up next to one another. She felt the warmth of his body, the security it brought her. He made her feel safe.
Feelings, those were things she hadn't had in awhile. Suddenly she was able to feel things again. Why did she lose them?
"Do you trust me?"
It was a foreign voice, in her mind,
"Do you trust me?" It repeated from her memories.
Suddenly she was back with Him. Back with that old friend. He had just dropped her off from hanging out. Little did she know this was the last time she'd see him in awhile. She t
Joey's Story: Winter PlayIt was snowing for the first time that Winter, covering the ground in it's splendor. Joey was peering out the window with glee. He loved the snow! He watched as it swirled about with tiny gusts of wind, making shapes that only he could recognize.
He hoped his friend would bring them both outside to enjoy the chill air.
He watched his friend come through the door and walk over to him. "Hello Joey!" The giant-like friend said to him. "Let's go outside!" She promptly scooped him up gently in her hands and brought him out into the Winter air.
"We should make a snowman!" She started scooping the swirling snow into little balls of white and made them bigger and bigger, rolling them around as they gathered more of the white fluff. Joey tugged on his scarf to show her that she should add a scarf to the snowman, too.
She ran inside quickly to get a scarf, and also brought out a long carrot and some buttons. Joey clapped gleefully and helped her place the buttons and scarf on the snowman. Then s
Emma's Journal 10/30/1310/30/13
I can hardly stand and walk. People often look at me and wonder how I'm so skinny because when I'm around them I can sometimes pack an Arby's Large Max Roast Beef Meal with a Shake AND an extra side of Mozzarella sticks. Which is a lot btw.
I'm so skinny because when I turtle I suck at taking care of myself. Yup. That's a thing. All I do is lie on my bed. I sometimes eat but nothing looks appetizing. It's not that I don't try to eat. I'm not anorexic for gods sake.
Luckily journals don't have to eat. Otherwise you'd die. I suck at taking care of things I own as well.
Luckily for my turtle, he's where other people can see and take care of him. Same with my cat. My mouse, who's in mah room, is loud enough when he wants stuff that I grudgingly get up and check his water and food right away on impulse.
This is another reason I want a dog. It would REQUIRE me to get up and take care of it much more often. You can't easily ignore a dog or you'll get a headache from the barking. And
Emma's Journal 10/29/1310/29/13
I get trapped sometimes. I'm trapped by my thoughts in a web of lies that only I can understand. I lay on my bed in a disheveled heap. I can't even cry.
I have become this emotionless wreck. I mean, I feel but I don't feel my feelings. This has become something I've begun to recognize. I consider myself an empath meaning I feel what other people are feeling. And I react to such things even when I just hear them through stories.
Lately I haven't noticed the feelings as much but when I lay down it all comes down on me and I crumble. Sometimes I feel like I crumble for no reason, but it's there. Things affect me so heavily.
Like the woman in bones I seem cold and emotionless at times because I feel too much.
I literally have been laying in bed all day, destroyed by emotions. Staring into space or into a blanket or pillow. I haven't cried yet, but I've felt like it. I've felt the need to cry but tears don't come. They are unable to fall.
Maybe I'm too dehydrated? Or maybe My emoti
Emma's Journal 10/28/1310/28/13
I'm surrounded by madness. I finished my work last night, barely, but yet again I'm barely meeting deadlines. I have even more work due tonight and the stresses and distractions are just too much for me. Everything around me. There's so much noise.
People are talking so loudly it could be called yelling. A dysphoric melody of clashing music fills the air around me. I tried my headphones, it doesn't work. They don't go loud enough. And People Try To Talk To Me. They're trying to ask me things and tell me things when they all know that my ability to survive this next month depends on the work I'm doing.
I have no choice but to finish the work put before me. I have no choice. I need to. They're distracting me. Even when they know how important it is to me.
This is why I regress. This is why I hide. This is why I turtle. Even when I try to make my life better it always crashes on me, like an eternal wave of disappointment and lost opportunity. Drowning in the depths of this sea of
Emma's Journal 10/27/1310/27/13
The nausea is gone. The extra anxiety is back. This is terrible timing. I'm stressing out. My mind is racing. I wish I had one more day of the nausea. It's a small price to pay for the relaxation it gave. The minor focus on how I was feeling in regards to sickness rather than my mind. My mind. Racing. Never stopping.
It's getting in the way.
I can't think straight but I have these projects that I have to do. This freelance stuff. So much to do. But I can't think. I procrastinated until the end. I really shouldn't have. It's making this even worse. I tried meditating. I tried tea. I tried so many things but here I am freaking out.
I really need anti-anxiety medication.
If I don't finish the project I get a bad review. I get yelled at. I can't stand getting yelled at. I yell at myself enough. The critics in my head yell at me. They already are. I can't focus with them yelling at me all the time. But they won't stop. The only cheerleader amongst them is Becca. But she's still a c
Emma's Journal 10/26/1310/26/13
I still feel a hint of nausea, in my veins. It's kind of nice. Except I can feel myself going back to my numb state. That's okay though, I have a lot of stuff to do today that will distract me. A lot of work.
So that's good at least.
What's not the best, though, is that I've been running into other problems. Today I looked down at my visitors and I saw a face that I recognized from awhile ago. He keeps visiting my profile. Viewing things. Never commenting. Never saying a word. Never responding.
Every couple of weeks I see that username and icon. I had hoped I'd get enough visitors each week to drown it out, to not see it. It gets more and more difficult to look at. I look at his profile too. Not as often as I used to. Just when something is posted.
And I get jealous.
How is it that I was the one who was super academic and I tried to do my homework and I had these huge college goals, but I'm the one sitting here at my parents' house hating my life. With no stable career. With h
Emma's Journal 10/25/1310/25/13
I want to tell somebody so badly about what happened. Everyone thinks I have a virus or something because of the nausea. Yeah, it's still there. I think it's because of the antidepressant, honestly. Nothing else I had causes nausea. It makes sense to me though. It all makes sense.
For once I don't mind the nausea though. It's not incredibly terrible. It's just there, like an afterthought. It's my new company. I am actually enjoying my nausea, my dizziness, because I feel. It's letting me feel! And I want to tell somebody. I want to admit to somebody like "hey, the reason I'm feeling nauseous is because I broke down and swallowed a couple different pills I shouldn't have touched." But then people will think I tried to kill myself.
I didn't try to kill myself. I tried to feel.
And now that I'm feeling I can't say I won't try this again. Now that I know how I end up feeling. I feel like shit for a little bit, easily wake up, have some nausea for a day or two, and then go back to
Emma's Journal 10/24/1310/24/13
I did it without thinking last night. I just wanted to go to sleep. I wanted my body to feel numb and relax. My emotions were already in a numb almost depression. I wanted my body to match it.
So I took a couple pills.
Nothing too big. A pain killer, a tums, a more severe pain killer, something I didn't know what it was, an antidepressant that wasn't mine. I thought to myself as I swallowed them, maybe I'll wake up in the hospital now. From being unconscious for twenty four hours.
As I woke up to my alarm I noted how I was able to easily wake up. I should've taken more. I have no idea what the effect of any of that was. Except when I woke up I was dehydrated (I took them all with a single cup of tea) and I was a little nauseous.
My mom had made soup, so I tried to eat it. It went down. Slowly. It wouldn't let me eat normally. My stomach was angry with me. I hadn't eaten much lately, so the acids in my stomach were probably slowly devouring the lining. I know the pills probably
I AmI am single,
but I am loved.
I am not a genius,
but I am intelligent.
I am not breathtaking,
but I have beauty.
I am not a saint,
but I am kind.
To the world,
I am not perfect.
But for someone,
Don't pick a fight with an Artist
Don't pick a fight with an artist
Wanna fight pussy?
Give me yar best shot
Or will you throw a paintbrush at me?
I'm so scared- not
Excuse me? What did you say?
What is a punch you ask?
Of course let me tell you:
A blow with the fist- it's quite a simple task
Are y' gonna cwyyy?
I dunno what you just said
Why don't you let me show you?
I'll f****** punch you and then- boom- you're dead!?
Pardon? What did you ask?
You need a clearer definition?
Of course, let me show you
I'll demonstrate- with out your permission
Ouch! Hey no fair
Dude you are so gay
You write poetry
I'll make you f****** pay!
Discúlpeme? What did you mutter?
I'm gay? Is that what you said?
Perhaps you need some assistance, let me help
I'll be gentle I promise- I did need new ink! In the colour red<
All Her Little ThingsStop hating her for the littlest things.
The things she can't prevent,
The things she can't save herself from..
Stop demanding her to do things,
Things she can't accomplish,
Things she can't imagine being done...
Stop lying to her,
Telling her you love her,
Want her, need her...
When all you've ever done is make her want to
Stop hating her for the littlest things.
The things she can't prevent,
The things she can't save herself from...
When those little things you've done
Take her down...
The little things won't matter anymore.
lung canceri will die with your name on my lips
because there is nothing else i'll need to say.
you are my coffin, my funeral pyre.
as my bones disintegrate, popping and snapping,
you will greedily swallow my ashes
until nothing is left of me but secondhand smoke.
i've danced with you, love, across hospital tile,
the scent of antiseptic cloying as valentine's chocolate.
you dipped me into unconsciousness,
and i willingly closed my eyes.
the intrusion of your scalpel teeth no longer scares me.
you, my rigor mortis soul mate, always take me under.
your tent of frostbitten shelter pulls me down, an anchor,
while i gag on pills too abstract to save me.
forgive me, lungs, of my cigarette abuse,
but i've found happiness in a reaper's cloak.
i find comfort in these carcinogens.
i've made my nest in a swaying tree,
my body destroyed by the nauseous rocking.
they smile at me with pity in their eyes,
scribbling nonsense on those jaw-like clipboards.
their crisp, stark white world still has faith in me,
you've been dead for a year, my deari met you on december 21st,
the longest night of the year.
you had solstice eyes: cold, dark, alluring.
i knew you were not meant to last,
powerful as a gale but fragile as
the tulip stems you snapped,
a sickening cycle of you,
an overwhelming tidal wave.
they say two wrongs will never make a right,
but i made so many bad choices that
i wound up back where I began.
it was too easy to love you,
but getting you to love me back was impossible.
i clawed at your chest until I struck blood,
until my nails split into shards.
you were born a phantom,
and i, your corpse.
holding onto you felt like drowning in quicksand;
i fought but always sank into your arms.
i breathed in dirt, breathed in dust, and
found my organs choked with you,
smothered by your existence.
you sucked out my breath
every time i kissed you.
i died every day with your hand
knotted in my hair.
You left on june 21st,
the longest day of the year.
i bit down sorrow and deconstructed
the labyrinth within me,
the one you hadn't th
Mirror, MirrorMirror, mirror, on the wall,
Watch it crumble, break and fall.
Look at all the bloody glass,
How it reminds them of a severed past.
Watch a reflection slowly disappear,
Looking at all the shattered, crushed mirrors.
A breathless state of mind goes by,
Am I just alive or did I die?
Confused and in an awe,
Careless people unknown to what one saw.
Throat slit so one can't be unlocked,
Too bad the thoughts have become blocked.
Crimson splatters, dripping, breaking away,
Thou shall not know the feeling of all the pain.
Oh, Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Why did you crumble, break and fall?
Eye of the StormI believed I could make the wind blow,
and force the moon to shine at night,
create rainbows just by thinking,
and hold tea parties for fairies in July,
I was the queen of my own graceful lands.
Yet, I grew old and realized,
I am the kind of girl who'd trip and fall,
often for stepping on her own feet.
My crown of diamond and gold
now a rusted piece of bronze,
I lost my throne to treason, my kingdom to hate,
I became the eye of a hurricane,
loaded with mishaps I need to atone.
I felt the soft touches of angels,
and lost my own wings to demons who could crush stone.
Felt the scorching tears run so often,
I knew I must have hit bottom low.
I had nothing holy, no one to call dear,
but here I am, the starting point of my own storm.
I felt fear, clung to shadows,
encased my heart within marble walls,
and threw the keys that can unlock my soul.
So many chances I've lost with no love to seek,
and so many people I turned my back to.
I let the darkness gnaw through my bones.
A stranger walked up to me today...A man walked up to me and asked me for a cigarette… I told him I didn't smoke anymore, and he asked me why? ––I answered "because the person I used to smoke with, isn't around anymore", and he replied…"that's why I smoke."
A woman walked up to me and asked me for drugs, I replied "I have several in store…his eyes, his smile, his hands"…she whispered, "that's not a drug"…and I laughed as I said.. "if only you knew."
A child walked up to me today and asked me to play a game, I told them I was too tired to play games, i'd been playing for years, they replied…"then you must be a pro!", to which I said "yes…a pro at losing."
An old woman stared at me today, and I asked her…"is something wrong?" she answered "I was about to ask you the same question."
© Rocio Belinda Mendez
Wander to nowhereA ghostly walk on the autumnal pavement
Even my own shadow is gleaming more
Than the empty shell of my body.
As I keep wandering, on this endless pit
Picky starving crows are looking down on me
The leftovers of my thoughts order me to die out.
This path of glory I've kept away from, it might be gone.
My dignity and pride, where have you fled?
I'm searching for the graveyard of redemption
Where my promises are all buried
Shot down by my deceit's gun.
Will you ever forgive me?
As I'm standing there, the icy silence blows ;
As time goes by, the ruthless mutism of yours
Reckons that time for forgiveness hasn't come yet.
I never asked to be aliveThere you went to give me life
And said it was a gift of course
But this gift is a little rough
Okay, to be honest, it's a curse
I was the one that you bestowed this upon
Myself and nobody else
Never did you once seem to think
How this might affect me
Asked by myself every morning
Why it is I'm here today
To only be answered by my thoughts
That you gave me the gift, why should I take it away?
Be a good sport and accept it
Use it in every which way
Alive and well is the goal
But you only gave me the life
LithiumA single trickling rain drop
Like gossamer silk strands
Gliding along my third eye
Whispers wind's secret caress
I exhale. Lungs releasing-
Pressing translucent memories;
Fragment of a fragment
As water kisses rose petal,
Drifting down stream's curtain
Pretty little curtain.
Where the wizard lies.
He smiles up at me
With his monocled brow-
Sipping on warm tea
And fingers quacking casually
To the rhythm of his notes
This is a safe-zone. Free-zone.
Innocent eyes sparkle,
Imploring it to be true. I breathe.
Keep in Touch!
^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More